Things I was not told about having a baby

OK, maybe I was told some of them at some point, but mommy-brain has eliminated them from my memory!

1. Nursing makes your armpits itch. Alright maybe it's not true for everyone, but darn it, it is true for me... oh and nursing is NOT making the pounds magically melt off like I was promised.
2. Breast-fed baby poop looks alarmingly like spicy deli mustard, the grainy kind (which I will never be able to eat again).
3. Mommies become obsessed with poop...both baby's and your own. The only adult conversations I have had in weeks were about whether or not the baby had pooped, how much the baby had pooped in any given day, or if I had happened to poop that day how much my butt hurt and where the hell was my hemorrhoid cream.
4. Schedules are a JOKE! I was told the child would wake every 2 hours for a feeding...yeah right! Just when we get in the swing of every 2 hours, she'll sleep for 5 leaving me quite uncomfortable in the chest area. Then all of a sudden she wants to eat every hour. Not to mention "sleeping" for 2 hours at a time ACTUALLY means she sleeps for about 15 min and the other 1hr 45min in between feedings is spent trying to get her to sleep or trying to keep her asleep (at the cost of all other things...including MY sleep).
5. Sleep when the baby sleeps is a load of crap. Period. If I could do this, all my problems would magically disappear, but there is a reason we sleep at night and not during the day, it's because it's cooler and darker at night, and no amount of convincing can tell my body otherwise.
6. Asking for help is not always helpful, when the help buys all the wrong things or puts everything away in the wrong places. I still can't find half of my underwear that my mother-in-law put away for me after doing our laundry while we were in the hospital. One would think that it ended up in the underwear drawer with all of my other underwear, but it's not there. Apparently I have another underwear drawer lurking somewhere in the house that I have yet to discover...I haven't looked in the kitchen yet...hmmmm
7. Everyone told me that upon leaving the hospital I would still look 5 months pregnant and continue to look so for a little while. Everyone forgot to remind me (preggo and mommy brain at work) that 5 months pregnant was that point in time when maternity clothes were far too big, and regular clothes were far too small.
8. Every baby has colic. My baby is a perfect angel 90% of the time, the other 10% she is squalling as if you were stabbing her with a red hot poker, and there is nothing I can do about it. Daddy on the other hand can quiet her down in a millisecond. Great when daddy is home, hell on earth when he is not. And of course it doesn't always happen at the same time each day (see #4 above), even though the book says that it should.
9. Swings, bouncers, activity centers are not "neglect-o-matics" as so many people call them. They are sanity savers. If I didn't have my swing and bouncer, I would have no hair left.
10. Love. Everyone told me how much I would love my baby. But no one came close to explaining to me how much I would love my baby. I love my husband with every ounce of my being, and somehow I love my daughter more.

I am not sure that I could (would) ever go through the ordeal of having a baby again, but I cannot imagine my life without my angel, and I can't remember (thank you hormones) what it was like before she was here. Being pregnant was pretty much awful, and giving birth was absolute hell, but I don't regret it for a second. I love my Piper more than words can express.