Wednesday, February 08, 2006

very sad...

Going back to work has been really hard on me (I'm sure it's not easy on most moms, but with my history, I think it's hitting me exceptionally hard). I am really stressed, and feel like I don't have enough time for anything anymore...not enough time to get my stuff together for class, not enough time to enjoy scrapping or kit making, not enough time to spend with Piper, not enough time to get housework done. Definately not enough time with Dan, which was seriosly lacking anyways, and now I am gone 2 nights a week.

And to top it off, people are dropping my Physio Psych class like FLIES. It's awful. I don't know how many drops I have had, but I have had 4 withdrawls (drop after the add/drop period, so the course still shows on your transcript, but says withdrawl by it...shows people that you started to take the course, but then changed your mind, typically because you were doing poorly). This is SO not a good thing. And their complaint: They didn't know the class was going to be so biological. Um..ok...it's called PHYSIOLOGICAL psychology...what the heck did you THINK we were going to talk about? Flowers?? The first day of class I stand in front and say "This course is very biologically heavy, if you don't have a lot of biological background, you are going to have to work to keep up in the course" Did they think I was kidding??? Our entire first 2 classes are devoted to the structure and function of the neuron...yes 3 HOURS of structure and function of the neuron, and you couldn't have figured out by then that this class was going to be biologically based???

My point, and I swear I have one, is every time a student withdraws, I feel really badly, like I am not doing my job or something, like I am letting them down, that somehow I should make the course easier so that that student would have stayed...BUT I have taught this course in this way for 4 years, and EVERY semester I have had at least 1 student get an A+...can't make it much easier than that!!! It is my firm belief that every student in the course is capable of getting an A+, its just the amount of work each individual has to put in that differs. Anyways I am getting away from my point again...

Being away from Piper makes me feel bad. Not having time with my husband makes me feel bad. Piles of dishes in the sink, laundry in the bathroom, dog hair on the floor makes me feel bad. And now swarms of students withdrawing makes me feel bad. The only thing that I have pushing me in the other direction is that not making money makes me feel bad...BUT if I wasn't prepping classes and teaching (and writing and grading tests, and grading papers, and answering emails and etc etc) I would be making kits to sell, which does make money, granted not much yet, but I'm getting there... I'm just not sure that the money I will make this semester is worth the guilt, sadness, depression, and loss I feel. But money is such a HUGE pressure, that I know come "sign up" time I am most likely going to take on at least one class in the fall...

I feel like no one understands that being a mom IS a FULL TIME JOB. Without the added pressure of having another job to go to. TRUE it's not a PAYING job, but it is a job. I also feel like since I am the one that is home 3 times a week, I am still expected to be a "housewife" taking care of all the chores, doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. But what no one seems to realize is that the time that I have when Piper is a sleep (2 hours a day if I am lucky) is spent writing lectures, handouts, exams, grading papers, etc. for my other job, or taking a tiny bit of leisure time and making a layout, or futzing with a photo. When she is up I am being a parent. I have a lot of trouble just putting her in the high chair so I can do other things, that's not fair to her if she doesn't want to be there. I do do it on occasion, when I have no other choice, but I really don't like to do it.

I am really wrestling with this decision. Dan says he supports whatever I decide 100%, but how can he? He knows that we need the money. And he has to work every day and be away from Piper, so how can he understand that twice a week is too much for me? I guess the difference is, other than randomly occurring problems in the middle of the night, his job ends when he leaves the building, whereas mine doesn't. Mine requires TONS of out-of-classroom work, that with raising a baby I don't have time for. On the weekends, he gets to look at magazines, surf the net, go out with his brother, and I get to scramble and write as much as I can before he goes back to work and I am back down to 2 hours a day I can work on things (well and it's not even 2 hours a day, it's 2 hours on MWF, T and TH I am gone during her nap). (which is why I am writing this at 11 pm... I should have gone to bed hours ago, I am so tired, but I have to get things done before class tomorrow...)

So I think the solution is to not take on more than one course in the fall...but then I wonder if the $3000 I'll make for that course is worth the hassle of it all in the end. If I was making more than adjunct wages, 1 course would be a LOT more money, and well worth it...but I'm not...I'm stuck as an adjunct making nothing for the hours that I spend working in and out of the classroom...

Some days life sucks...

8 Comments:

Blogger Laura87/PicklesMommy said...

aww! im sorry your going through all this Maria!! it sounds like you have a LOT on your plate right now! and i can totally understand being torn, and how hard it must be to leave Piper. good luck with this decision sweetie!!

8:56 AM  
Blogger angi said...

Just wanted to give you big ((HUGS)) and tell you are NOT ALONE in feeling like this! Welcome to Mommy world...the feelings never leave! Guilt & being a mother go hand in hand...guilt for not making $$$, guilt for staying home, guilt for working, guilt for not working, guilt for not being there, guilt for smothering them by NOT leaving...the list never ends (seriously)!

10:39 PM  
Blogger karen said...

Awww...Maria! I know it's hard. I also learned that there can be guilt and torn feelings no matter what decision you make. Your beautiful family has such a full life. Just remember that's it's so busy and full because of all the blessings you have in your life. It's hard for others to understand just how much you do and I don't know if they will ever get it.

karen (Hom74)

1:09 AM  
Blogger Valerie said...

It will get easier. It's so, so hard to juggle a job (especially one with a lot of prepwork) and a baby, but you'll find your groove. I know that apart from the money you enjoy teaching, you enjoy using that very expensive series of degrees that you worked hard for.

My only suggestion is to head to the library (or Starbucks, or where ever) for 3 hours every Saturday morning while Dan and Piper have some daddy-daughter bonding time, so that you can get a chunk of your prep and marking done, and you can start physically separating "work" and "home" (just like the men get to do ;) )

10:45 AM  
Blogger Valerie said...

(PS - the people dropping your class are dorks who probably thought it would be an easy credit and then were blown away by your brain... or they all have serious crushes on you and are throwing themselves off bridges, one of the other)

10:45 AM  
Blogger Maria said...

Thanks everyone!

and OMG Valerie, I am so ROFL...crushes...I doubt it...they were all girls LOL

10:27 PM  
Blogger Traci said...

Awww....Maria!!! {{{HUGS}}} I feel your paind, I went to work at MACYS for exactly 2 nights after K was born!!!

7:40 PM  
Blogger Traci said...

Awww....Maria!!! {{{HUGS}}} I feel your paind, I went to work at MACYS for exactly 2 nights after K was born!!!

7:40 PM  

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