I GIVE UP!

OK I've hit a wall, and I am just at a loss. I tried an egg-free, dairy free cake mix the other day and it was so-so. They made it with malted barley flour and you could definately taste the "malt". Today I made a cake that was in the what to expect book, and used one of the substitutes for eggs that the doc gave me, and it came out very chewy, sticky, etc. not fluffy like a cake... I gave pip a tiny piece and she gagged on it and threw up (not from allergy reaction, but because it was sticky). I swear I'm feeling like "mommy of the year" over here, just for trying to do the right thing. I introduce her to eggs so I can make her a cake and she breaks out in hives, I make her an egg-less cake and she vomits... I'm about to lose it. I am so sad. I fell like nothing that I try to do is right. And every time I try something and it doesn't work, I get a look from Dan like I shouldn't have tried it in the first place and what the !@#$% was I thinking...I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't have done any of this, made her a plain old cake for her birthday, and since it would have been her first exposure to everything, she wouldn't have had any allergic reaction (can't have a reaction until the 2nd time you are exposed). I know it probably seems like a stupid thing to be upset about but I just feel so awful. I feel awful for putting her through all of this, just so she can have cake on her birthday...just so she can be like every other kid who has a photo of their first birthday cake, with icing in their hair, and cake all over their face. But then I try to be the good mom, and make it a healthy cake, with no sugar, sweetend with fruit juice, made with whole wheat flour, etc etc. and instead I make her throw up.

I GIVE UP! Nothing that I do will be right. If I don't have a cake, the whole family will be "Why doesn't she have a cake" and if I make her a cake (without eggs) Dan will be flipping out the whole time, is she ok, is she going to puke, where's the epi pen...

Is it wrong for me to want a normal birthday for her with cake and ice cream and balloons... even though she's not supposed to have sugar or plain flour, or balloons? I know that what has happened with her allergy is not my fault, but I still completly blame myself. It's my fault because I introduced the eggs, it's my fault she threw up because I gave her the cake, it's all my fault.