Wednesday, February 08, 2006

very sad...

Going back to work has been really hard on me (I'm sure it's not easy on most moms, but with my history, I think it's hitting me exceptionally hard). I am really stressed, and feel like I don't have enough time for anything anymore...not enough time to get my stuff together for class, not enough time to enjoy scrapping or kit making, not enough time to spend with Piper, not enough time to get housework done. Definately not enough time with Dan, which was seriosly lacking anyways, and now I am gone 2 nights a week.

And to top it off, people are dropping my Physio Psych class like FLIES. It's awful. I don't know how many drops I have had, but I have had 4 withdrawls (drop after the add/drop period, so the course still shows on your transcript, but says withdrawl by it...shows people that you started to take the course, but then changed your mind, typically because you were doing poorly). This is SO not a good thing. And their complaint: They didn't know the class was going to be so biological.'s called PHYSIOLOGICAL psychology...what the heck did you THINK we were going to talk about? Flowers?? The first day of class I stand in front and say "This course is very biologically heavy, if you don't have a lot of biological background, you are going to have to work to keep up in the course" Did they think I was kidding??? Our entire first 2 classes are devoted to the structure and function of the neuron...yes 3 HOURS of structure and function of the neuron, and you couldn't have figured out by then that this class was going to be biologically based???

My point, and I swear I have one, is every time a student withdraws, I feel really badly, like I am not doing my job or something, like I am letting them down, that somehow I should make the course easier so that that student would have stayed...BUT I have taught this course in this way for 4 years, and EVERY semester I have had at least 1 student get an A+...can't make it much easier than that!!! It is my firm belief that every student in the course is capable of getting an A+, its just the amount of work each individual has to put in that differs. Anyways I am getting away from my point again...

Being away from Piper makes me feel bad. Not having time with my husband makes me feel bad. Piles of dishes in the sink, laundry in the bathroom, dog hair on the floor makes me feel bad. And now swarms of students withdrawing makes me feel bad. The only thing that I have pushing me in the other direction is that not making money makes me feel bad...BUT if I wasn't prepping classes and teaching (and writing and grading tests, and grading papers, and answering emails and etc etc) I would be making kits to sell, which does make money, granted not much yet, but I'm getting there... I'm just not sure that the money I will make this semester is worth the guilt, sadness, depression, and loss I feel. But money is such a HUGE pressure, that I know come "sign up" time I am most likely going to take on at least one class in the fall...

I feel like no one understands that being a mom IS a FULL TIME JOB. Without the added pressure of having another job to go to. TRUE it's not a PAYING job, but it is a job. I also feel like since I am the one that is home 3 times a week, I am still expected to be a "housewife" taking care of all the chores, doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. But what no one seems to realize is that the time that I have when Piper is a sleep (2 hours a day if I am lucky) is spent writing lectures, handouts, exams, grading papers, etc. for my other job, or taking a tiny bit of leisure time and making a layout, or futzing with a photo. When she is up I am being a parent. I have a lot of trouble just putting her in the high chair so I can do other things, that's not fair to her if she doesn't want to be there. I do do it on occasion, when I have no other choice, but I really don't like to do it.

I am really wrestling with this decision. Dan says he supports whatever I decide 100%, but how can he? He knows that we need the money. And he has to work every day and be away from Piper, so how can he understand that twice a week is too much for me? I guess the difference is, other than randomly occurring problems in the middle of the night, his job ends when he leaves the building, whereas mine doesn't. Mine requires TONS of out-of-classroom work, that with raising a baby I don't have time for. On the weekends, he gets to look at magazines, surf the net, go out with his brother, and I get to scramble and write as much as I can before he goes back to work and I am back down to 2 hours a day I can work on things (well and it's not even 2 hours a day, it's 2 hours on MWF, T and TH I am gone during her nap). (which is why I am writing this at 11 pm... I should have gone to bed hours ago, I am so tired, but I have to get things done before class tomorrow...)

So I think the solution is to not take on more than one course in the fall...but then I wonder if the $3000 I'll make for that course is worth the hassle of it all in the end. If I was making more than adjunct wages, 1 course would be a LOT more money, and well worth it...but I'm not...I'm stuck as an adjunct making nothing for the hours that I spend working in and out of the classroom...

Some days life sucks...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I've been Tagged again!

Wow I feel so popular LOL Thanks to Laura for tagging me!

What were you doing 10 years ago? I had just transfered to Barat College in IL from Hope College in MI. I was pretty sad and happy, happy to be closer to home, but sad because I didn't know anyone. I remember they made me take the beginning dance classes for no credit because they weren't sure if I was ready for the intermediate dance classes, which I was also taking. It was probably right about this time that we took a trip to Chicago to go ice skating, and I hurt my shins, and was "benched" for a few weeks from dance...

What were you doing one year ago? throwing up LOL. No, one year ago I was 5 months pregnant, and was teaching 3 classes at 2 colleges (same as now), and getting a million and one ultrasounds.

5 Favorite Snacks: Hostess Cupcakes, Turtles, Dog Food (chex with pb, choco, and powdered sugar), ice cream, Snackwells vanilla sandwich cookies

5 Songs to which I know all the lyrics: pretty much anything that comes on... I am a bit of a savant when it comes to music

5 Bad Habits: procrastination, biting my nails, cursing, leaving laundry in the washer, interrupting when I am excited or reminded of something

5 Things You Like Doing: taking photos and scrapping them, reading, surfing the net, dancing, playing games (board, video...whatever)

5 Things You Would Never Wear, Get or Buy Again.
I would never wear a midriff bearing shirt again...FAR too many stretch marks for anyone else to see (I did wear one in HS once, under overalls though so you couldn't really see my belly LOL)
I would never buy a Chevy Cavalier again (well technically I didn't buy it, my parents did, but that thing was a lemon from day one)
I will never get subs from Quiznos again...OMG the WORST food EVER
I will never get my hair cut too too short again (I look like Christian Slater when I do)
I will never get off the boat (cruise ship) in Nassau Bahamas again...when we go on another cruise, if the boat stops there, I'm staying on board and doing something fun...that was the WORST day of our honeymoon

5 Favorite Toys
my computer
my future camera
my future tablet
my stamps
my baby (ok so she's not a toy, but she's tons of fun to play with...does that count???)

5 Tags:
Valerie, Angi, Amanda, Stacey, Kryss

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

It's February???!!!???

OK when the heck did it become February (and WHY is it spelled with that R that NO ONE's like Wednesday and that D...)

I have conflicting feelings about it becoming Feb... I don't want it to be Feb already because I turn 29 this year on the 19th...YIKES... by the way, this is the last time I am aging, from here on out all birthdays are my 29th. So it becoming Feb marks another year passing in my life...TRUE it was a GREAT year, with the hugest highlight of having Piper, but still, another year gone by...

I am excited that it's Feb because it's one month closer to the end of the semester. That's right, I am already counting down the weeks to the end of the semester (and this week is the 2nd week of the semester, how sad is that???)

I am very conflicted about being back to work. I am glad that Piper gets Daddy time, and sorta glad she gets time with Holly...ok so I'm not really glad about that but I keep thinking if I keep saying it, I'll start believing it...right??? I like being back in front of the class (most of the time...) and I think what I do is important to the students, I am very well-liked as a professor...BUT I feel so horribly guilty about leaving her 2 days/nights a week. She's on formula now when I'm gone (the whole pumping thing never really worked out), and now she's getting constipated from the formula. She totally fought her naps today, and the guilty voice in my head told me that it was because on T and TH I put her down for her morning nap, and then I go to work, and when she wakes up, it's Grandma Holly that she sees, not me, so nap time means mommy's going away. (honestly I'm not sure she's capable of holding memories long enough that this is possible...but that's what I thought regardless).

Holly washes my dishes when she is here...which you think would be a good thing, but she doesn't just toss them in the dishwasher, she hand washes them all, drys them, and puts them away. Still, you'd think that would be nice. This morning I get out a bowl for my cereal, and there is still chili remnants in the bowl from the night true she is washing the dishes...BUT she's not actually getting them CLEAN. Plus she is doing this all while Piper is taking a nap, and every day when I come home, (after telling her that Piper should be asleep for at least another 45 min or so after I leave) she says Oh Piper woke up about 10 min after you left...well you spent that 10 min clanking the dishes around in the sink I wonder why she woke up???!!!??? Yesterday, she made my bed... now that's going a little too far. If you're grossed out by the stack of dishes in the sink that I didn't get to, so be it. But leave my bed alone!!! True she has to enter my bedroom to get Piper up from her nap, Piper has a co-sleeper in our room that she sleeps in...but go in, pick the baby up, and leave...that is my private, personal bedroom. Unfortunately, Holly is so delicate, that I can't say any of this to her, because she would flip out and think that I hate her, and cry for days, and tell Dan how much I hate her, and then I would have to apologise for saying don't wash my dishes unless you're going to actually get them clean. SO on top of the 350,000 other things I have on my mind, I have to remember to do the dishes on Mon and Wed night, and to make my bed on Tues and Thurs... because I needed more stress...

Other than that, it's like 40 degrees here lately during the day, in the middle of the winter in New England. I'm tellin' ya, the earth has entered some weird weather vortex or thing you know it's going to snow in July

In other news...Ania has a new apartment/condo/whatever. BUT it's in Groton, which is easily over an hour away. Now true, Groton is in CT and not in Poland, but could she live any farther away from me??? Piper and I are going out there on Friday, but this is going to be a VERY occasional occurrance, which really stinks because she is pg with my second "nephew" and I really liked being a big part of Krzys' life, and I am not going to be as big of a part of Raddik's life, plus they are planning to move to Poland in a year, so I guess this was all coming sooner or later...

Well that's about it for me...of to flip the laundry, and make sure I have everything ready for class tomorrow!